The John Emory Powers Commemorative 'Pickle Rick' Keychain

Dear reader, before you set about reading the body of this advertisement, I'd like for you to know that things that are true appear in this handsome blue color, while things that I've made up appear in this lovely violet hue.

Great inventions come to be ubiquitous -- so much a part of our lives that we take them for granted, rarely ever ponder the innovation they once represented.

You have to wonder what John Emory Powers -- Kid Lucky as he was known to his friends -- might have made of all of this.

See, ol' Kid was the first person ever whose job it was to sit and write advertisements all day long. 

He wrote them for a department store called Wanamaker's Grand Depot and, by all accounts, helped them to sell the living s--t out of all of their stuff. 

Speaking of stuff, this was an interesting time for it.

Why?

The price tag had only just been invented.

Yes, the price tag.

Before that happened, all of the stuff in a store like Wanamaker's, none of it had any such thing on it or near it that said, Hey, I cost this much, you know, just in case you were thinking of buying me. 

What did people do before the price tag? 

They literally haggled over the price of everything they bought. And, it was probably super annoying.

But this is how life was, throughout all of human history, all the way up until 1874, when John Wanamaker, the guy who would eventually hire Kid Lucky, invented the price tag.

Why'd he do it? Well, Wanamaker -- or, Ol' Jumbo, as he was known in certain circles -- was a man of faith, a devout Christian who believed that the matter of price was a moral issue i.e. that all men, no matter race, color or creed, should be charged the same amount for the same item.  

Great inventions become superfluous -- so much a part of our lives that we take them for granted, rarely ever ponder the innovation they once represented, the way in which.

...but, I digress; it gives me a lot of room to make mistakes. 

This was back in the 1880s -- as I know you know.

Because, only just up until a few years back, the price tag, it didn't exist. 

For real.

People who wanted to buy stuff would haggle with the people who had stuff to sell them over the price. It was all negotiable. 

His employer, John Wanamaker (the owner of Philadelphia's greatest department store, the aptly named Wanamaker's Grand Depot) was also a very interesting character. 

How would I explain to him what a key chain is, how it came to pass that I'm selling a Rick and Morty branded keychain as a means of...I don't really know any more. Making money, yes. But, this was not my plan. 

go with me for a minute

So many keychains are only just that: keychains.

Although, I guess some keychains are bottle openers too. That's true.

But, really, the majority of keychains -- they're just keychains.

But, when I look at this keychain I think, man, that would make a great fishing lure too. And then I think, Holy @#$%, that's a great idea! But it's also kind of stupid.

Please tell me someone already invented a fishing lure keychain so that I don't have to. 

And so I google 'fishing lure keychain' and, sure enough, it's a thing.

So, phew.

But, also, I'm starting to think maybe there are actually more keychains that are also a second thing than I thought when I started writing.

And now I look at it again, and, I don't know what I was thinking before, because it actually looks like whoever designed it was adamant that it not be anything more than just a keychain at all. 

So, there goes my big selling point.

But, then I get it in my head reverse course, say that the great thing about this keychain is that it's only just a keychain. And not even a very good one.

Because, I mean, to be honest, I think the Rick and Morty branding is a mistake. Like you knew it was a Rick and Morty thing and I knew it was a Rick and Morty thing, but neither of us bothered to mention it, because to give this item serious consideration as a keychain, we have to look past that. (And, in the designers defense, it's got to be hard to make something great in the shape of a cornichon. And, yeah, I said cornichon.) 

But, lemme tell ya, this keychain...

It shows up to play the hand that it was dealt. 

And, that's something you can't say about most other keychains on the market today; they're all trying to be seven different things at once. And that's a p---y move.

But, this ugly, very-nearly-useless piece of crap isn't trying to be anything more than that. We should all be lucky to feel be so secure in ourselves.

And that's when I realized that this keychain is not just a keychain; it's a teacher of great wisdom too. And so I jacked the price up to $27.00.

If you're an adult and this is yours, good luck. If you're a kid and this is yours, it's doubtless that in due time you'll be trading it in for a keychain that's also a bottle opener.  

Forget the horrifying face that you probably don't know makes it a Rick and Morty thing. I only barely know that. If you're here because you were like, Oh my god, a Rick and Morty keychain, you'd already be putting in your credit card information as fast as your pudgy, potato chip stained fingers will allow.

Look, I don't live totally outside of the loop, so I know this is a Rick and Morty thing. But, why's it a pickle? I never seen the show and I couldn't tell you. But, somebody knows and somebody cares and somebody has keys and that somebody might be you. And, if that somebody is you -- unless you already have a keychain -- why aren't you already putting in your credit card information as fast as your pudgy little fingers will allow you to?

But, this keychain could be if it just knew what it wanted to do. I mean, this keychain has everything and it's just waiting for someone to take it off the market.

What is this f---ing thing? I don't know and I don't care. And, truth be told, I should be paying you to take it off of my hands. But, that's not how a store works, smart ass. So, get outta here before I call a couple guys I know. You heard me.