The Un-Farted-In Glass Jar

a problem hiding right under our noses

When you reach for a glass jar, all you want to know is that it hasn't been farted in.

Unfortunately, while no hard statistics exist, the sad reality is that -- be it for profit, pleasure or something else entirely -- people are out there, ripping ass into receptacles that simply weren't made to have ass ripped into them.

And, because there are no regulations in place to protect consumers from these sorts of jars --  'jarts' as they're called in certain circles -- buying a piece of sealable glassware in our modern era has become a real crapshoot.

plugging the hole

 The Un-Farted-In Glass Jar is a glass jar that doesn't just hold stuff; it hearkens to a time and place before anyone, anywhere, ever was like, "Oh, look, a glass jar, that's perfect for farting in."

This is because every un-farted in glass jar has been thoroughly vetted -- not just for farts, but any ass-related scents.

So, whatever it is you use jars for -- storing homemade soups, serving margaritas, or even catching fireflies -- with the Un-Farted-In Glass Jar, you can do so confidently.

Because no one farted in it. , coming forth to waft away the clouds of fear and confusion But there is a solution: the Un-Farted-In Glass Jar.

slipping through the cracks

Like with the ninja -- a warrior famous for being both silent and deadly -- you rarely know you're in the presence of a fart until it's too late. And then, it's too late.

But, with the Un-Farted-In Jar, it's never too late, because, while farts are like ninjas, farts aren't ninjas; which makes them much easier to deal with.   

"Despite popular belief, your fart noises have nothing to do with the flapping of your butt cheeks." -- Dr. Michael Rice, gastroenterologist, Men's Health, 01.02.18

Up from the cracks.

Much like a car goes through an emissions test to determine what it's putting out into the world, I test each and every one of my jars to see what the world may have put into it. 

It's what you can't see.

It's what's not on the inside that counts.

Harken back to a classic era in the history of glass jars.

knowing that, not only is it as sturdy as any comparable glass jar on the market, it's the only glass jar on the market that comes with the 'It's just a normal glass jar. Nobody farted in it. Why do I even have to say that?' guarantee. 

How do I know if a glass jar I own has been farted in? 

When farts are silent, the only thing that can make us aware of their presence is their smell. But, by the time you smell a fart, it's too late. 

Ours is a world that seems to be changing, faster and faster every day. Given the stress that creates, all you want to know when you reach for a glass jar if it's been farted in or not.

In this world of rapacious change, most of us are too stressed out to worry about whether or not our glass jars have farts in them. 

Sadly, without any such regulation on the part of the world's governments, it remains a poop chute. Crapshoot. Roll of the dice.   

Much like a car goes through an emissions tests to determine what it's putting out into the world, each and every jar we sell goes through a test that determines what the world may or may not have put into it. 

Okay, sure, there's probably always been a few people out there doing messed up stuff with pretty much whatever's on hand -- glass jars, salad forks, turkey basters, whatever. But, we called them weirdos, not entrepreneurs. 

Can you ever wash a fart away?

It doesn't take long for the smell of a fart to fade, but it can linger in other ways. Why put your loved ones through the trauma of not knowing when with the un-farted-in glass jar, you can know beyond a shadow of a doubt?

But of course, you never can be too careful. And, that's why for a nominal surcharge, each jar you purchase will come to you having been stuffed with packing peanuts gently kissed with a single spritz of high-end cologne and then filled with packing peanuts -- because a fart can't be where there's no room to! 

"Despite popular belief, your fart noises have nothing to do with the flapping of your butt cheeks." -- Dr. Michael Rice, gastroenterologist, Men's Health, 01.02.18

Each and every Un-Farted-In Glass Jar is also gluten free, vegan friendly and kosher for Passover. 

Each jar is inspected by holding a lit match near its opening, knowing that any fart in its vicinity will combust.

what I hope will become industry standard for things that have not been farted in. 

And, for only just 1 measly dollar more, I'll seal each mason jar you buy with my '100% Not Farted-In seal', which to the untrained eye will look like a strip of masking tape, but which to the trained eye will also look like a strip of masking tape.  

But, no part of that air is a fart part of it. Or, if it is, that wasn't intentional. (I mean, no one held one of these jars up to his butt and, weeping bitterly at the deplorable condition of his existence, farted into it as if he were farting into the mouth of a world that had shredded his dreams.)

Just as a fart can be silent-but-deadly, it can remain invisible for the whole of its lifespan. But, it can't hide from fire. So, the very first step taken in [ ] is to hold a lit match to the jar's mouth, revealing the presence of any such fart by causing it to combust. 

Just as there's a time and place for everything, there's a time and place for flatulence. But, it's not when you're simply trying to leave your loose change. 

The cold, hard truth about farts is that we've never seen one. We know they're real, but, ultimately they're invisible. 

For the next thing that demolishes your sense of reality.

The world we have today, with its farted in jars, Artificial Intelligence and congressional hearings on the actual existence of extraterrestrials, is not the first modern world mad enough to drive its people to drink. But, it is likely the first one in which branded shot glasses seemed like the perfect thing to pair with an un-farted-in jar.  

 and no one, ever, under any circumstances at all was like, That looks like the perfect thing for me to fart into.

butthole/having nothing to do with someone ripping ass into it. ships without ever having so much as been in the same room as someone eating a bean and cheese burrito. ripping ass.